Comforting a Mourner With Thoughtful Questions

An excerpt from FORWARD: JEWISH. INDEPENDENT. NONPROFIT. - 

What’s the best thing to say to a mourner? A rabbi responds

At a house of shiva, listening and being present can be more important than talking

By Rabbi Daniel

What’s the best thing to say to someone when visiting them during shiva, the week of Jewish mourning following a death in the family?

It may sound odd, but the answer to this question was revealed to me in the middle of the night while holding my two-week-old granddaughter.

As my daughter and son-in-law convalesced in our home, my wife and I volunteered to have the baby sleep in our room to give our daughter some rest while she recuperated from the birth. I was exhausted in the early morning hours and my wife said to me, “Do not think about how tired you are right now. Think about what the baby needs.” Those words shifted my perspective from being self-centered to other-centered. At that moment, my granddaughter needed my full attention.

The perspective on being fully present for another and being mindful of their needs is the secret to a meaningful shiva visit and in enriching all of our relationships. All too often, when we enter a house of mourning, the discomfort of not knowing what to say leads to an environment of levity and distraction from the purpose of the visit.

Having gone to hundreds of shiva homes and spoken with countless mourners, the most comforting visits may be in just listening to the mourner speak about their loved one. Ask a few questions to evoke their relationship with the person for whom they are mourning.

Here are some ideas for questions:

1. What are some positive memories with your father or mother that you will never forget?
2. Can you share some of your parents’ values? What was important to them?
3. Did your loved one visit Israel and on what occasion?
4. What were some of the most meaningful conversations with your loved one?

Be fully engaged when they speak, knowing that your empathy will provide comfort to them. When we provide the mourner with the opportunity to share stories, the memory of their relative becomes alive and truly felt. The mourners sense their loved one is being honored and remembered when we put away our phones and listen fully. This sentiment can be the most comforting of all.

https://forward.com/culture/686161/shiva-jewish-mourner-what-to-say/